Today marks the last day of winter for this year.
Unlike most of my friends and family who feel as though they are ready for the heat, I am sad to have to let go of the winter.
It’s such a beautiful season, and now there’s only fifteen minutes left of it.
In true spring form I already have my first mosquito visitor. The first of what will be hundreds I am sure. I bloody hate those things, as well as the other insects that harrass me all night. Another thing I love about winter, it’s relatively bug free.
I’ve always preferred winter, and the smell of the rain and the way the damp ground felt cold beneath my toes. I always thrive during a thunder storm, and I love for winter fashions. I always miss that feeling of appreciating warmth, it haunts me during the dog days of January where the sun ravages everything.
I felt it a few weeks ago, the cherry blossoms emerged blinking from their somber slumber. Then that spring smell came back, the sweet sticky warm smell, the smell of the birds and the bee’s doing their thang with the flowers. Gross.
Sometimes you can feel at one with society, and with people and community, and happiness flows through you like water along a bubbling brook.
But then other times you can’t help escape the feeling that you are excruciatingly alone in your own head, in your own body, and in your own consciousness. Your family, your friends, your beloved, even your cats are isolated from you.
No one hears your thoughts, no one hears those tiny little sentences that create whirlpools in your brain.
No one feels the panic that grips your chest quite like you do.
No one lives the same financial burden that you do.
No one reacts to pressure like you do.
No one hurts over things that happened in your own head like you do.
No one will understand the words that come out of your mouth in the way you want them to.
No one hears the last thoughts that cross your mind in a day.
And no one hears the first thoughts that dance across that same pathway of a morning.
There’s just you. And the silence. And the wall of skull and skin that separate whatever part of you is really you from the rest of the ‘world’.
Today has been a real motherfucker for my anxiety. I didn’t go to work this morning, everyone (especially the one’s I teach) has a bloody flu or a cold or swine flue, and I found out yesterday that the year 7’s have hand-foot-and-mouth going around which is not contagious by air - but! I teach piano and singing, so if they slibber all over their fingers and then play my instrument and then I play it later on and am not totally diligent about washing my hands then bam. So I took the day off. I needed a good sleep in and a coffee and to get some things for a grunge party I have to go to tomorrow night, and working was not something I wanted to do. Also I have senior vocal assessments next Wednesday which I absolutely can’t be sick for.
But then, after a good breakfast and doing my hair pretty and getting excited about coffee and heading to the mall I felt a strangeness, and then it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I felt like the earth had split beneath my feet, and I managed to grab hold of a tree brach that was really flimsy and not doing a good job of not letting me fall into the cavernous black below. I was shaky, hot, cold, dizzy… just distraught. I felt rubbish. Absolutely rubbish.
So I went home, with no coffee, but I did manage to put money on my bus pass. For the rest of my day my social anxiety has been bullying me, though tonight while I did some shopping in town I felt practically fine, and I got to see Wenchy briefly which was really lovely. Though, I had to walk out of a shop while my friend, Matthew, took ages to get his things in order (too many people in a small space, couldn’t breathe).
In good news I bought some great Lush stuff including a foundation, and I am so pleased with this purchase. It was relatively cheap but the pigment is strong so I don’t need much, it’s a perfect colour (basically the lightest one), and it’s specifically for highly sensitive skin which I definitely have. It’s got oat milk, aloe vera and honey as it’s base, so it’s very calming and moussey to wear, I really like it. I also like the colour, did I mention the colour?!
Anyway, now that I’m home I have a weird sore spot on my scalp which is making me freak out a bit, but I am home and I am happy to be here. I don’t want to go anywhere this weekend but I have to :(
In other news, yesterday I was finally given a consultation appointment for my breast reduction surgery. This is really big, because you generally only get a consultation when they’re ready to put you on the soon-to-have list for surgery and you only have one consultation before your surgery (and during that consultation you are given your date). It’s one step closer to it actually happening, which I am very frightened about. Very, very scared. But very looking forward to having normal boobs. Don’t get me wrong I love the ones I have, but they cause me a lot of pain and stress and frustration and they are quite cumbersome and very expensive. Not only this but they aggravate a chest condition that I have, and this adds to my already really edgy anxiety. So, anyway, this is what’s happening there. Sorry about the boob talk, you may as well get used to it.
Anyway this has been a post.